Was I A Different Person

Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,
Allahumma solli 'ala muhammad, ya Rabbi salli 'alaihi wassalim,

Peace be upon you who came by and read in this greenblackhole of mine. It was today a meaningful one, i connected myself to a friend i havent met for almost 2 years. We have been messaging each other, updating each other's news. That some of his words made me shed tears. Realising how people have been thinking and appreciating me. As a person. How could i deceived myself so bad, when people was laying his/her hopes on me. Is that the person they have mistook two years ago, that i was a person i'm not today. I cried again. I never hoped to changed. I love myself having strong faith on things I've believed in. I just hope i am still stronger. Sometimes I really hoped to be appreciated, by people around me. To feel that i'm needed when they need. But sometimes I felt unheard, I hoped this words of mine was read by my sister, or my brother, or by closest friend. But when I looked they're not there. After all I'm a loner. I was a stranger to the people in my world. But deep in my heart i know, He Allah hears me, hears my tear, worries about my sadness and grieve, loves me indeed. I know I must love myself for others to love me. Allah, pour me your love I needed most. Even i have nothing to offer you.

Alhamdulillah he's still with me even when i'm breatheless. Indeed He Allah still near where ever I go. InshaAllah.

Fi amanillah.

New Breath...My Precious~

Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,



Subhanallah its been a year since I last posted in this secret little greenblackhole of mine. I even missed the words that I've been reminding myself all this while, I might just keep it in the heart. MashaAllah how precious it is for Allah to lend me air to breathe, the strength to go through the total of 24 years living in His duniya. How I'm afraid, of what I'll be going through next. I'm getting bigger and older, yet I seems to always forget how to be His best Khalifa. And even sometimes I felt wash away by things and obstacles He drove on me, changing myself to a person I'm not. Because I felt like wanting to be appreciate by people around me, the person I used to admired, the person who I used to adore, I just loose myself and tend to sacrifice and ended up not being my true self.



I'm writting this at 1.45am in the morning at Headington, Oxford. I've already been surviving 3+ months here in this cold climate region. Who knows that I could breathe the air in this country. Before it was just a dream that always slip from the lips, and now I'm here, sitting under a British shared house at Grays Road, having myself thinking about what life has bring me to. Alhamdulillah. I should never forgot the ni'mat He gave me, the chances that not every person get to experience. I'm smilling alone, lonely but happy.



Am I crazy to hope that someone would have read the writting in this blog, when nobody really know that it does exist? But this is the only place I can lay my feelings onto. This is the place I can express how I feel at the moment. Even after 1 year leaving it quietly, I never feel that its gone. I disappear just because i need time to find myself. Since I dont have the strength to tell how I'm doing up to now. Too many changes in life that makes me learn to keep it to myself. Alhamdulillah I'm back. The courage for the heart to speak in this green black hole is back. How i missed it a lot! Its alright that no one read this, but by just writting here, I fell like the whole world is listening to the sound of the heart,of a small world of mine..





At the moment, I'm hearing 'My Precious' by Jang Geun Suk, driving my feelings high up to the sky. It makes me understand who I really am, and how precious I am to myself, even if I'm nothing to the people around. Even if I realised how fish can still swim happily without me, snow will still fall merrily, wind will still blow lightly, people will still speak as like i doesnt exist. But as long as I know the meaning of this life to me, the meaning of my true self of being her, its already enough to feel grateful to Allah for lending this moment in my life.



I always feel I know my true self well, when I'm sitting alone quietly, thinking about nothing but me. I can taste the calmity of the ambiance, as i breathe. And I could hear the breathing sound clearly, near to my heart. I just love it. When I feel I know myself well. Because my bestfriend is always this person that I've been hanging on into, killing time 24 years together with her, smiling, crying, hurting, playing, frustrating, and every moment I've been spending time with is with ME. And thank Allah for allowing me to breathe, up to now. I pray that I will never forget, to try to be a better man, a better Khalifa for you Ya Rabb. My true love who understand me most in this world. Saranghee Allah! :)

Fi amanillah,
Me-

Stay

It was a day after the whole family got back from kampung at Johor, that i got the chance to surf the internet. The whole night it was good, the whole family was at family area, sitting and enjoying CSI Supreme on Sunday night. It was rare for us to get the chance to spend such a quality time together. The last time was on 1 Muharram, when all 5 of us joined doa awal and akhir tahun at Masjid Negara, until isya'. I felf really happy that night :)

And last night right after the CSI supreme of CSI Miami, CSI Ctrime Scene followed by CSI New York, i landed in my room, surfing internet that i missed quite a while when at kampung. I was happy to see my lovely sister Zeynab was online. Quite a while since the last time we chat together. We talked through some brilliant thought, sharing few problems, and some updates on us. I am truely happy that Allah gave us time to meet.

After logging out and ending the conversation, I went directly to sleep. It was a dream that made me feel wanting to stay,not waking up. Quite awkward but feels like its a reality.

It was him I met(not sure the location or event we're having), me and him positioned to be at the same room. He was already there in the room when I entered. I am quite shocked to see him, surprised, but also happy actually. But I hide the happy feelings i have, not showing how my heart beats fasts. I drew to him, acting normal,sit beside him at around table. He's face looked calm,as like nothing had happened between us. Sometimes putting in a smile that I've missed a lot since the separation. Looked sincere, happy, really like the person I fell in love with. Its him. I just stood still, keeping my mouth shut. And so as he.But sometimes he steal a look on me, and i realised. we didnt say anything until someone knocked the door, asking for me to go out (sort of like meeting someone or an appoinment).

I stood up and walked to the door. But before i got to step out of the room, he called out my name. I was surprised again. Is this true that he's calling my name again? Is it true that he's looking at me right at that moment? I closed the door, but couldnt looked at him. Its the feeling I've missing all this while. Its back knocking the door of my heart.

He came right next to me,

" Please stay. I need you with me. Please dont leave."

Oh Allah what is this dream? What does it means? Or have I been dreaming too much?

Maybe i just missed him and thats all. But maybe there are hikmah that only Allah knew. Subhanallah!

"I thought you'd feel unconfortable having me around. Thats why I'm leaving,"

I said.

"Stay."

His last word I remembered before Mama waked me up for Subuh Prayer.

When I think of it. I am not sure what to say, but Allah knows everything he gave in my life. Every single thing I believed the must be hikmah. But my heart arent hoping. Specifically, -is afraid of hoping. But what i know is that, i must keep on praying for thing i believed in. InshaAllah Allah will protect me along the way.

I am writting this on 21Disember2009,06:13pm. I've caught fever, due to food poisonning(most probably from few events at kampung) or maybe, just the dream. Its hot, and cold, sometimes freezing. Allah knows how I feel until now, which I myself isnt sure of. Nobody, nobody except Allah the AlMighthy knows it all. Sholawat dedicated to Muhammad SAW the prophet of Allah.



Love,
me-

The Tears Of Adam

I'd like to share a forwarded message from a friend and I guess its best if it'd help all of us for once, take a deep breath, think deep on who we are, our main purpose to live on the Earth/ Duniya. I mean, we always think that we have time,to delay..and keep on delaying things rather than changing or hijrah. I mean, from now on try to be responsible to ourself in handling this. Please,..hayati.......


Air Mata Nabi Adam

Tahukah saudara semenjak Nabi Adam terkeluar dari syurga akibat tipu daya iblis, beliau menangis selama 300 tahun. Nabi Adam tidak mengangkat kepalanya ke langit kerana terlampau malu kepada Allah swt.

Beliau sujud di atas gunung selama seratus tahun. Kemudian menangis lagi sehingga air matanya mengalir di jurang Serantip. Dari air mata Nabi Adam itu Allah tumbuhkan pohon kayu manis dan pokok cengkih. Beberapa ekor burung telah meminum air mata beliau. Burung itu berkata, "Sedap sungguh air ini."

Nabi Adam terdengar kata-kata burung tersebut. Beliau menyangka burung itu sengaja mengejeknya kerana perbuatan derhakanya kepada Allah. Ini membuatkan Nabi Adam semakin hebat menangis. Akhirnya Allah telah menyampaikan wahyu
yang bermaksud, "Hai Adam, sesungguhnya aku belum pernah menciptakan air minum yang lebih lazat dan hebat dari air mata taubatmu itu."


Apa Yang Akan Ditanya:

Dalam sehari ada 24 jam. ? Dalam sejam manusia bernafas sebanyak 4320 kali. Dalam setiap kali bernafas Allah akan tanya dua perkara semasa nafas keluar dan masuk. Pertanyaan itu ialah, "Apa perbuatan yang kita lakukan semasa nafas itu keluar dan masuk?

Tiga Cahaya Di Hari Kiamat

Di hari kiamat ada tiga cahaya yang berlainan :
* Cahaya yang pertama seperti bintang-bintang.
* Cahaya yang kedua seperti cahaya bulan.
* Cahaya yang ketiga seperti cahaya matahari.

Apabila ditanya cahaya apakah ini ? Lalu dijawab :
"Cahaya yang pertama ialah cahaya wajah-wajah manusia yang ketika di dunia, mereka akan meninggalkan pekerjaan dan terus bersuci dan mengambil air sembahyang apabila terdengar azan.

Yang kedua ialah cahaya wajah mereka yang mengambil air sembahyang sebelum azan.

Cahaya yang ketiga ialah cahaya mereka seperti matahari. Mereka di dunia sudah bersiap sedia di dalam masjid sebelum azan lagi."


Kala Jengking Neraka

Di hari kiamat akan keluar seekor binatang dari neraka jahanam yang bernama "Huraisy" berasal dari anak kala jengking. Besarnya Huraisy ini dari timur hingga ke barat. Panjangnya pula seperti jarak langit dan bumi.

Malaikat Jibril bertanya : "Hai Huraisy! Engkau hendak ke mana dan siapa yang kau cari?
"Huraisy pun menjawab, "Aku mahu mencari limaorang. Pertama, orang yang meninggalkan sembahyang. Kedua, orang yang tidak mahu keluarkan zakat. Ketiga, orang yang derhaka kepada ibubapanya. Keempat, orang yang bercakap tentang dunia di dalam masjid. Kelima, orang yang suka minum arak."


Subhanallah.May Allah leads us well, show us the path we should. When i think of it, duniya is really challenging, to handle both duniyawi and ukhrawi in a balance state. However, pray to be close to Allah, as our remembrance shall bring Allah to us. Nothing is more stronger that the power of the Hayyl- Qayyuum. He is the one who stand by its own, and we, who live under His protection shall always put Him first in every second. May our breath was counted with dzikir and solawat, with the thought of Allah SWT and Rasulullan SAW. InshaAllah under His Rahmah, we shall live well and be blessed inshaAllah.

With Love,
Me-

......

bugoshhipta..huhu :'(

The day I'm afraid of

It was the day i went to pc fair with najib, a senior of mine, Its quite a long time looking and searching for stuffs we'd like to buy. Going back and forth and keep on rewinding to the previous hall.Alast, i ended up buying only a 4GB pendrive and he leave with a stylish headphone with him.

After that, he treated me BurgerKing and i have a set of mine, packed up neatly. But seems like the date was just until there since i have to depart to my client consultant meeting at Bandar Utama. The meeting too was absolutely unpredictably long and dry. *Sigh* However i get to learn a lot of things there, with the clients, engineer and contractor.

I drove back home, as i see a guy, about my age, sitting beside my dad at the couch.
"Assalamualaikum",delivering salaam and kissing dad's hand.
There goes mama, looking at me so brightly and happily as like i havent meet her for years. Her eyes were shiny, unlike other days. Her smile was big, showing some hope from it. I was caught in the weird situation. There must be something wrong here which i dont know.

I went to the kitchen and told mama my whole day story, the date, the meeting and all. Its quite tiring, but somehow i enjoyed everything today.Quite a long Sunday i guess.
But mama's face hasnt change, her delightful look makes me feel even more curious. What's on?
But i just ignored since she has been hiding about it. Guess she'll tell when its time.

I went upstairs and done my maghrib prayer, and later surving the internet and plucking the guitar with some songs.
Mama went into the room and said, "Its better for me to helped her at the kitchen. Its no good for him to see that i'm not helping". And again the 'looks' and expressions just comes back.
Am surprised! ??
Who is she talking about?
Who's the him?
There she grinned, leaving me with question marks on my head.
I went down helping mama at the kitchen. Preparing some cooking materials for dinner.
"He's intelligent. Smart as well. Once an IT students. Now studying Forex. He learnt many language,too.. I guess his's a brilliant boy."

And there it goes...My curiosity was answered.
I was....stucked there too. Why is she saying that? But her face was full with hope. I can sense it. Giving me hint all over, wasnt the way she is. Plus, promoting and talking about some guys too, wasnt her pleasure. But why today, was she like that?
I just ignored her. Maybe she she's just correct, but we'll see.
There we had dinner, all four of us. Dad, Mama, Jabar(the guy's name) and me.
Okay honestly it's quite odd. Eating with a complete stranger but i have nothing negative towards him. Just looking for the things mama pointed out to me. Just an image i'm trying to find in the simply dressed guy.
We talked. About language. About Information Technology(IT). About making dreams reality. About understanding knowledge. About Islam. And many things that prove mama's words on him.
A quite talented person, quite open-minded, has deep thgought and critical thinking, matured as well.
We talked a lot at dinner. Until realized time has passed, and we waved goodbye. What a wonderful person he is. Guess mama think the same too..But, he's just another unique person i met this life.

Dear love, what should i do looking at this. What should i do in this situation i'm facing. I see only a thick high wall that i seem cant jump high through. I'm still stuck here. Having you in mind. i cant even open up to anyone yet. I...am trying hard to let go but,the legs are tied. And my heart, too.

Cry by Kelly Clarkson

If anyone asks,

I'll tell them we both just moved on,

When people all stare,

I'll pretend that I dont hear them talk,

Whenever I see you,

I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue,

Pretend I'm okay with it all, Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet

Can i open my eyes

Is this as hard as it gets

Is this what it feels like to really

cry

Cry

If anyone asks I'll tell them we just grew apart

Yeah what do i care if they do believe me or not

Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart

I'll pretend I'm okay with it all

Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet

Can I open my eyes

Is this as hard as it gets

Is this what it feels like to really

cry

Cry

I'm talking in circles

I'm lying they know it

Why dont this just all go away

Is it over yet

Can I open my eyes

Is this hard as it gets

Is this what it feels like to really

cry

Cry

For now and forever I can only pray, May Allah be with me, guide me on what's the best to be done. Allah knows best surely, more than we know or even think of it. Is it really wrong to love you? Is loving you really a mistake? Its painful but..i know and believe that Allah is here with me. Its raining , but ALlah knows when's the next spring and summer. Its gloomy, but Allah knows when shall light can meets the rain... : Searching Rainbow::

With love,
me-

Its plain but its okay.

I keep trying to copy this song lyric from many websites but am not sure why is it soo hard to paste it in here. However i just simply type it letter by letter then...

AGAINST THE ODDS

How can i just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When i can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've share the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause its just an empty space
And there's nothing here to remind me
Just te memory of you're face

So take a look at me now
'Cause its just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds
And that's what i got to face

I wish i could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There;s so much i need to say to you
So many reason's why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Take a look at me now....


I just came back from kampung at Johor, where half an hour before i left, i get to talk to atok,my beloved grandmother. Subhanallah..when i looked at her i just feel and hope that i could be strong like her. I guess she understands me too,on what i've undergone these few months from the way she asking me this and that.Maybe we're connected somewhere heart to heart Allah created us that way.Salam eiduladha to everyone.

Hoping the person i loved out there will always be under Allah's love and care. Please shower us with the brightness of your nur,your strength and protection. We, afterall are just as weak as we're needing you Subhanallah. I owe you much Allah that even my life couldnt pay to you. For you, i dedicate my life. May peace be with all of you.May Allah leads our way inshaALlah. Fi amanillah.


With love,
me