Monday, October 26, 2009

The Letter : Sorry if it hurts...because it hurts me too much to even say it out...

I watched tv and i came accross a movie titled Breaking Through. Its about a single parent led by a mother in her late 4oth, having two kids as she started to involved in drug addiction after her husband died. She never realises how meaningful life is, until one day her sons deciced to leave home. So she begged to the sons to stay, to be with her, to support her, until she get to break through the addiction. Its sad to see how hard it is, the mother crying and begging from the inside the room, saying that she gave up, craving for drugs. The children as young as 5years old and 1oyears old(i guessed) were tough, pursuing the plans they prepared to get the mother healed from drugs. Alast, she did encounter the situation with the support and effort of the mother and sons.

I was writting this note on 26th October 2009, 12;17am in the morning.
Thinking of the situation I'm having. The same thing that the mother and sons have been trying hard to do. BREAKING THROUGH.

Loving a person, without even having any thoughts of hurting them at all, trying hard not to let go, giving chance as for every single lie they throw, will be the very hard thing to break through. Until today, i live an emptiness in me. A sadness. A sorrow. A cut or wound that has never been healed since the day it bleeds. If you ask, i would even know smoothen the cut, how to even get back the smile i used to have. It was swallon in me. It was never there, until now.

I was there, staying, keep on praying, as i get to know from his beloved sister on how he treated his brothers rudely and with disrespect. Since that day on, THIS LOVE TURNS PALE. I dont know him anymore. And i guess my love was at the end of the limit. Love turns into frustration.

However, I would not want his family to be burdened because of me. I wouldn't want his brothers to be disrespected because of me. I would want his sisters who loved him much to be avoided from him. I dont want him to loose his family because of me. I'd rather go if its me he's been ellergic of. I'd rather go if he need space in his life. I'll sacrifice for the love of this family. Brothers and sisters of AlHasyimi please stay together under the Nur of Allah.

To hurt him is the very last thing i would do. Because i loved him in the past, and am afraid, until now remaining. I wouldnt want to see this family became apart and shattered because of my existance. He'll be needing them for the rest of his life, to light up his way through the journey of life. While I..I'll just have to leave if thats what he wants.

Breaking through the love you have been living with for more than a year is truely hard, even if it doesnt reaches 1 year, the duration of time wasnt matter. I have been having this so-called syndrom, that everytime i wishes so hard to leave as he wishes, the drug effect again strucks me. Its always a week of every months when my period cycles came around, he'll struck back into my memories and tears will shed. Its almost a month since i'm trying to leave, but saying goodbye to the family i loved, and loved me much would be the hardest thing to do. Its a very beautiful family i'm having there, but I couldnt be selfish. He needs them more than i do.

4th November 2009, 01:42am

Its me again writting.. a very lonely night i'm having. Past few days, i felt really broken hearted. It was my laptop which suddenly turn down and everything i have is gone. The picture of kak aisyah, the recorded YM archive of the conversation we used to have, is gone. The feelings are just like the day he left me. Felt lost, and missing. The only memory i have is what i can recall from my mind, and i know,the folders are no longer there,its no more. Finished. But i can still imagine.

It was the second heartbreak i had in the same week, it was that i discovered my closest friend(which is also one of the person i used to love before), abg Adam Abu Bakar, was in a relationship now. I know, and am happy for him.However at the same time, i felt loosing someone i'm really close to. I know from that moment on i have to keep a distance between us so that my existance wouldnt effect their relationship. And again, a very close friend, Aliff Aiman, is also about getting into a relationship with his collegue. Maybe that we're close, i know its better to give a gap, so that the gurl wouldnt feel jelous or threathened. Plus, I'm not a person who likes to create havoc in others relationship. They're my closest friends, and i mean nothing but praying them happiness.

Its just the emptiness that keeps bothering me, as i tend to be around friends, and make myself busy in order to forget the pain i have inside. And now that Aliff Aiman is no longer there for me, abg adam with his new direction, new zero-memory laptop, it is a silent i heard. SILENT.

And the silent comes again, as i woke up, pretending to be happy as i'm actually feels sad and lonely. The only best friend i really love, the person who's heart i know i felt connected to, Kak Aisyah, i woke up last night, having trouble to sleep, i sat a place, facing at the direction to Qiblah, praying to Allah," Oh Allah, please do send my regards to kak aisyah in the most beautiful dream you can ever give. I know i'm far,but doesnt mean i dont love,care or she's unheard. Let her know that my love for her will always be there, my prayers for her and her family too shall never end".

Sharifah Aisyah,

I heard you, even if i keep keep writing.

I felt you, even if we're apart. so ur not alone.

I'm connected to you, even its unheard. I'm speaking from hearts to hearts.

I loved you, even if its hidden. My prayers for you shall not die.

I missed you, even after this decision made, sister.

However, I wouldnt want either you or abg jaafar or shimi to be hurt or disrespect because of me. My existence. I think qayyum may need his own space within this family. Without me in mind. If that's the only way to have him back in this AlHasyimi family, i'd rather leave for his good.

Whatever happens, or the path i choose, i just want to let you know, i loved every single one of you, will always pray for you, your happiness, kak take care, ur health,please do remember me always, pray for my happiness duniya akhirah, abg jaafar too, take care, drink a lot of water, do ur best as a big alhasyimi brother, u have a really big responsibility but i want you to know, i'm always behind you supporting. Shafeeqa, kak will never forget you dear, you are the one who gets to witness the love me n qayyum have before, thanks for your prayer adikku, and dont forget to keep on praying for kak's happiness. Syimi, kak wishes you all the best, be a good responsible man, help abg jaafar with his mission towards Islam and carry this brotherhood of AlHasyimi, it wasnt something you should play around, its your responsibility my little brother. To Kak Jah, even we havent been taking much, I can feel you, a sweet and aimful sister of kak aisyah, carry out the mission of Islam well, I'll be supporting you and ur family with this. Umi, I'm praying she'll be well guided by Allah, praying to be given health and wealth to undergo the hardness of life in peace and love, with the blessing of arwah abah. May arwah abah live in peace, as he sees his sons carries out his missions of life full-heartedly, carring the name of the respectful AlHasyimi. I'm blessed i feel connected with this family, i came accross, i met half a journey of my life. with duniya akhirah. My prayer for all of you shall not die, the same as my love for all.

Lastly to syed muhammad Qayyum AlHasyimi, i pray for you, "..Siratollazhi na 'anam ta 'alaihim, ghairil maghdhu bi 'alaihim, walawddho'lliin.." (tunjukkilah aku jalan yg lurus, yg Kamu redhai, dan bukan jalan bg org2 yg Kamu benci dan murka). May Allah's Nur and guidance be with you and protect you duniya akhirah. One day we shall meet, i hope its a miraclous nicest blessed meeting from Allah. Allahumma Ameen. Glad.....that i met you in this world, LOVE.

And, sorry if my existance has creates problems and chaos to this family. I never thought things would change this way. I just want no one to get hurt. Forgive me for all my wrongdoing ya. :)

" If i run far away,... would you even run faster to reach out my hand. But i only see me running...........that you leave yourself far behind. DISTANCE."

Assalamualaikum wr wb.
Fi Amanilah.


Anonymous said...

dun b sad.