Thursday, January 13, 2011

New Breath...My Precious~


Subhanallah its been a year since I last posted in this secret little greenblackhole of mine. I even missed the words that I've been reminding myself all this while, I might just keep it in the heart. MashaAllah how precious it is for Allah to lend me air to breathe, the strength to go through the total of 24 years living in His duniya. How I'm afraid, of what I'll be going through next. I'm getting bigger and older, yet I seems to always forget how to be His best Khalifa. And even sometimes I felt wash away by things and obstacles He drove on me, changing myself to a person I'm not. Because I felt like wanting to be appreciate by people around me, the person I used to admired, the person who I used to adore, I just loose myself and tend to sacrifice and ended up not being my true self.

I'm writting this at 1.45am in the morning at Headington, Oxford. I've already been surviving 3+ months here in this cold climate region. Who knows that I could breathe the air in this country. Before it was just a dream that always slip from the lips, and now I'm here, sitting under a British shared house at Grays Road, having myself thinking about what life has bring me to. Alhamdulillah. I should never forgot the ni'mat He gave me, the chances that not every person get to experience. I'm smilling alone, lonely but happy.

Am I crazy to hope that someone would have read the writting in this blog, when nobody really know that it does exist? But this is the only place I can lay my feelings onto. This is the place I can express how I feel at the moment. Even after 1 year leaving it quietly, I never feel that its gone. I disappear just because i need time to find myself. Since I dont have the strength to tell how I'm doing up to now. Too many changes in life that makes me learn to keep it to myself. Alhamdulillah I'm back. The courage for the heart to speak in this green black hole is back. How i missed it a lot! Its alright that no one read this, but by just writting here, I fell like the whole world is listening to the sound of the heart,of a small world of mine..

At the moment, I'm hearing 'My Precious' by Jang Geun Suk, driving my feelings high up to the sky. It makes me understand who I really am, and how precious I am to myself, even if I'm nothing to the people around. Even if I realised how fish can still swim happily without me, snow will still fall merrily, wind will still blow lightly, people will still speak as like i doesnt exist. But as long as I know the meaning of this life to me, the meaning of my true self of being her, its already enough to feel grateful to Allah for lending this moment in my life.

I always feel I know my true self well, when I'm sitting alone quietly, thinking about nothing but me. I can taste the calmity of the ambiance, as i breathe. And I could hear the breathing sound clearly, near to my heart. I just love it. When I feel I know myself well. Because my bestfriend is always this person that I've been hanging on into, killing time 24 years together with her, smiling, crying, hurting, playing, frustrating, and every moment I've been spending time with is with ME. And thank Allah for allowing me to breathe, up to now. I pray that I will never forget, to try to be a better man, a better Khalifa for you Ya Rabb. My true love who understand me most in this world. Saranghee Allah! :)

Fi amanillah,


Anonymous said...

i'm not always comfortable with people reading my blog huhuhu..only special person is very well welcome to my blog...thats why i only have u as my friend in my bloglist lol..used to feel like this but now...its ok..i'm more free this way hihihi

so i guess u shud write freely...jgn kira org baca atau tidak.....stand strong..we shud seek on how to need your Allah swt more than anything .inshaAllah.

love u sayang