Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Confession

I was reading an article written : Reflection of Heaven’s Rose ( when i realised how much i've change,as a person, as a woman in His eye. It states how Fatima Az-zahra the beloved daughter of Prophet Muhammad(SAW) perform her life as a Muslim, having faith to Allah the AlMighty, as an obeyfull daughter of the prophet, as a wife and mother, and as in total, a great woman of example for each and every sisters in Islam.

Thinking myself too deep.From where did i came wrong.From which phase have i been neglecting my purpose of life, as a chaliph of Allah,...
with an objective of life, to be an honoured man in the eye of the creator of all creator, Allah br one of them who are choosen to be guaranteed be place in Heaven..the utmost future.After duniya, after barzakh, after akhirah...

Before, i know i was a very strong girl,holding tight to my belief, any obstacles comes along i could strictly handle it with my understanding in Islam. But Allah knows me more as a human, my point of strength which He knew would be the time He could examine my Imaan.

::THE LOVE.THE RAINBOW::the light meets the rain::

LOVE. Love to another human.A point of strength to know whether, this girl could be a much more stronger girl, or which this girl would lost her Imaan during the duniyawi test. She at first fall in love to this guy, the first time he recite his Qunut Doa' early subuh. She felt, hope and prayed..If only this guy is the one who'll be the Imaam in her and her childrens' solat.She melted for his reading of surah in the Quran, and when he set his prayer. It was a very beautiful setting that early subuh. At school he is the one who always reminds people to stop doing work to perform solat,she sees him as a very loud speaker, potential to be a very good father, a good leader in teaching her Islam, in providing her and her children knowledge, brings her nearer to Allah's path,guiding the family in both duniyawi and ukhrawi. A very soft-hearted person, i believe, he once was caught by her, with tear falling down his cheek when he sees the sunset, the beauty of Allah's creation. She's relieved,he has a very beautiful heart. When they are apart, he always reminds her to perform solah, remember always to set prayers, to have sholawat to the Rasul. There was once, he is very mad,she's not sure why, and she just dont know what to do at that time.They are on phone, which she cant calm him down like she always do when she's around. But his sadness and madness relieved when he whisper his favourite zikrullah,

"Allahumma solli wasaalim 'ala nur al'anwar.wasiiril asrar.watiryaqil aghyar.wamifta hibabilyaasar.saidina wa maulana muhammadinil mukhtar.waa lihil athar.waashabihil akhiyar.'adadani'amillah.waif dha~lih"

Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kebahagiaan dan kesejahteraan kepada cahaya bagi segala cahaya dan rahsia bagi segala rahsia, dan ubat bagi segala penyakit, dan anak kunci bg pintu kesenangan iaitu ialah penghulu kita Muhammad yang terpiih dan keluarganya yang bersih dan sahabat-sahabatnya yang banyak memuat kebajikan sebanyak bilangan ni'mat-ni'matMu dan kelebihanMu.

And some other days they kept themselves in peace and love, having each other hearing each other reciting the words from the Holy Quran. His voice reciting it fluently expose the sincereness and happiness of the love, which the love,connected with blessing from Allah the AlMighty. And hers to,could make him feel peace in mind.

::THE DECLINE::the turebullance::

I'm not sure when the turbulance really blew so harsh that the relationship turns so bad. But i 'm sure why everything turns not in order. The love i mean. Basically it has been ruin due to desires of the duniya(nafsu). I believe he love her much,but sometimes he just need some human touch, holding hands like usually couples do, kissing, hugging, which she know she cant perform without having any licence from Allah. A proper marriage. A stage where they are allowed to do so. She, are also trying hard to defend, her belief that she was taught of,but sometimes, she wasn't strong enough. She prayed,hopefully the guy could really understand.

Not that she dont want to grab his hand tight to her when he touches,
Not that she dont want to reply when he tries to kiss her at the lips,
Not that she dont want to hug him close to her as how he's trying to feel near,
She would really like to hold him tight to her,
She would really want to kiss him back with the sweetest charm,
She would really hug him when he's not looking,...
Its just that she knows by doing so could hurt Allah,
Its just that she understand by doing so she's deceiving her belief,
Its just that she dont want this duniya desires hurt the love which, earlier has the blessing of Allah.
Its just that their bonding now is not that strong to let them do all the desires.
Marriage allows it to be so. A true husband and wife i mean...

I know, if i've let all the desires been done, it'll make me feel cheap as a woman.A woman in Islam shall potery the beauty with respect.
I've read somewhere in a book, Wanita Solehah, Ciri-ciri dan Fungsinya (Jibril AR : 1985: 15)
"..Wanita Yang Solehah adalah wanita cantik yang benar-benar mencintai Allah dan RasulNya dan mencintai semua pencinta-pencinta Allah. Sebaliknya Allah pun mencintai dia.Allah tidak mungkin akan mencintai wanita-wanita yang tidak cantik. Wanita-wanita yang tidak cantik adalah wanita-wanita neraka yang menghambur-hamburkan bencana dan malapetaka di dunia ini.."

They were seperated then due to academic purposes, where she has to be transfered to tha main campus for her final year. What a relieve she thinks,that by having the distance they could at least lessen the sins. But however, distance are also one of the factor. She felt being left out most of the time, when he is being too concentrating with his job. She just need some attention, but he seems to care too much about his. She him and missed him a lot....
At the same time,he slowly falls to a girl he could have spending his daily time with, the girl he could look to everday, the girl that exist infront of him,physically-connected. I see that's the point where everything turns bad.
He has not been concentrating to her anymore.His promises he brokes.His words he forgotten. He started to lie and being dishonest to her which that makes her felt frustrated and sad.Her words has never work to him anymore. Her word seems to creates problem rather than giving him peace and calm like those days.
Because most of the time he sees another option,another chance, her substitute.The unexpected.

::THE THOUGHT::missing the rainbow::

Everytime i think of this, the fall of the relationship seems to bury me deep down. I really honestly sincerely love him from the smallest to the biggest thing in him,
and everytime, i always put him one of the major occasion in life i need to put at the uppermost in any list. Tried to be loyal. Closing and limiting my eyes from looking at others. I loved him. Duniya, akhirah.
With him, we've also plan to get married and have a blessful beautiful and intelligent children. Too many trust i've put in here.Too many love i've risk my life with. Too many sincerity that i couldn't even let him go even after what he did to me.For now, i keep on praying for our best.For Allah to lead both us well under His blessing, keep us healthy physically,emotionally and psychologically.Till one day we shall meet again in a much more proper and respected condition, falls at the right time,..

::THE LESSON::the hope::

=the love with blessing of Allah is the love which when both meets could remind them of Allah, in the most beautiful manner, following the respectful guidance of Islam, for both to have a blessfull relationship and bond between them.

= the hikmah which is hidden under the fall of this relationship ;
Allah wants us to rethink of the sins we made and be regretful.Taubat an-Nasuha.
Allah gives us chance to understand ourself deeper and think about the future,duniya and akhirah matters.
Allah separates us to prevent us from doing any wrongdoings.
Allah give the chance for us to have some peace in mind.
Allah gives us chance to know what is meant by As-sabaruminalImaan. Patience.

=responsibility as a Sayyid dear.Hold your great-great grandfather Muhammad SAW tight to your heart. He's my idol.I hope all his traits potreyed clearly in you.
:: His Siddiq (truthful/honest)
:: His Amamah (trustworthiness/promise keeper)
:: His Tabligh (informativeness)
:: His Fathonah(intelligance)

To me, i just want to say, that DISTANCE should not be a matter, a cause of ruining the relationship. I hope you understand, that the love i have for you aren't only for duniya, but also for akhirah. And like i said before.even you're still alive, or died, i'll still love you and pray for you any time indeed.Because i'm trained by my family to be loyal, honest and sincere. Hope you really see how much i need you,your love, like the once we've had. It's really Islamic, and its really beautiful...... =)